Summer US Tour 2009...Wow...am I really going to do this?!?!

Aum Amriteshwaryai Namah,

Seattle Programs were a given as it's my home city and we always do a lot of seva there, but really, am I going to do the entire US Tour this year???

The decision has been made and airline tickets have been booked and paid for. It seems that this year of 2009 would be my year to travel with Amma!

Seattle yielded some very amazing moments of true selfless service, being showered not only with flower petals by the Divine Mother but also with tonnes of Love and lessons which brought on a lot of humour.

I mentioned to Geetha Chechi and Hansa Chechi that I had brought 2 one pound bags of raw unsalted, unroasted cashews for Amma and that I didn't want them to circulate through the prasad table and get sold in the end as prasad. I wanted for Her to have something to eat on the road trip within the US and I know how much She loves cashews.

They both said that two pounds is a lot of cashews though and She will not keep that many for Herself. So I decided to take one pound to Her here in Seattle and give Her the other pound later (about half way through the tour) in Chicago. Both Geetha Chechi and Hansa Chechi felt that this was a better idea.

I took up the first pound along with the Amma dress that I had made at Amritapuri for Her and the two face cloths with borders of red hearts on them, all decorated nicely on a tray. Jim and I went for Darshan together (for every Darshan in Seattle this year) and as we were approaching and the next ones to be in Amma's Lap, I looked up at Geetha Chechi and asked her if she would tell Amma. Geetha Chechi said that I should say it and she would translate. So...I told Amma exactly what my intention was with the cashews (as I had told Geetha Chechi and Hansa Chechi earlier in the programs at Seattle.

Amma took hold of my right ear and pulled on it while telling me "there should be no conditions on your prasad offering". She took the bag of cashews and placed them in my half zipped up hoody (as if to say take them back with you). I gave Amma a very sad and disappointed child's look to which She frowned and pulled the bag back out of my hoody, looked at them and said to me "what if everyone gave Amma a bag like this, what would the state of Amma be - cholestorol and sugar" I looked over at Geetha Chechi and said "Amma knows I have another bag for Her in Chicago doesn't She" Geetha Chechi said that she had not said a word to Amma about that and Amma started laughing really loudly and started giving us Darshan. She was still laughing in my ear as She gave me Darshan. As I separated from Her, I looked at Her and said "I just want to make sure that Amma has something for the long roadtrips ahead" Amma responded by saying "I understand you innocence but prasad should have no conditions."

I got the message so loud and clear that the next day when we went up for Darshan (which was Devi Bhava) I decided to give Her the second bag and with it would come the message that She could do whatever She wanted to with it - She could keep it, She could sell it, it did not matter to me.

I had a big brass tray with wooden sandals in it for Amma to bless so that we could do Pada Puja to them in future in Vancouver and they were nicely decorated with all sorts of flower petals. Under this large tray was the second bag of cashews. It was completely hidden by the tray with the Padukas. As Devi blessed the sandals andthe tray moved to the left side She saw the bag of cashews and I said "Amma, you can do whatever you want with this bag - sell it, keep it - it's your choice" Amma smiled and rolled Her eyes as She gave me Darshan and pinched my cheek.

Later the next morning, I was right behond Christopher on stage as he was being married by Amma to his wife Cora. I was handing them the offerings that they had for Her. After they placed the garland on Amma, I handed them a shawl that they draped over Her shoulders and then handed forward a little cloth bag (I had no idea what was inside). They pulled out a bag of raw unsalted and unroasted cashews for Amma and as they handed it to Her, She leaned back in the chair and looked over Christopher's shoulder at me, smiled and rolled Her eyes.

I decided that I would give Her a bag of cashews in EVERY city now as the joke is good and it's created a nice little connection and communication with Her.

I had many other very beautiful experiences with Amma this year in Seattle. I took up my mini harmonium for blessings and Amma played it a little. She also gave me permission to get the video of that Darshan which is very special.

Amma held on to my hand one day at the end of the morning program as She stood and put on Her shoes which Prakash had been holding for Her.

One morning in Seattle I was sitting right at the corner edge of the pitham (platform) where Amma meditates with us. I had my Amma doll in my lap and She looked down at me and the way that I was caring for my doll and smiled and said "good"!

San Ramon on the other hand was quite challenging for me. I was on tour staff for just that location doing shuttle staff. Prachetas was the acting supervisor and he and I were staying at the same devotees house and we were together on the same shifts. He was constantly too wound up and stressed out and would take this out on some of the staff. It was getting to be a little too much. Not only were we not getting much time in the Hall with Mother, but then we were having to be on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour.

I gave Amma another bag of cashews in San Ramon and She gave me an apple alon gwith my regular prasad. She of course rolled Her eyes when I gave it to Her. This is a great on-going joke that I have with Her now and I love it!

The first Devi Bhava, I landed up giving my token away to Sanjay who had lost his/hers. Sanjay is a man who is going through the change to become a woman. His story is one that is quite sad and depressing and I felt that he needed Darshan more than I did and I knew that I would be able to receive Devi Bhava Darshan in other cities on tour. The second Devi Bhava in San Ramon, Bhavani Chechi requested that I not take Darshan and to spread the word to anyone else that I knew was doing the rest of the tour. Apparently, Amma wasn't feeling very well and She wouldn't make time if everyone received Darshan as She had to leave San Ramon by a certain time to make it to LA in time for the programs there. She is doing all of the tour in Her camper this year. So, I forfeited Devi Bhava Darshan that night too.

Los Angeles was a really nice program. The energy was a lot different than Seattle or San Ramon and it was a much more mellow atmosphere in my opinion. There was more room to move around and so it didn't feel as clastrophobic. The other thing I really loved about LA was that we were staying in the same hotel as all the programs, so if I felt tired or like I needed some space, it was easy enough to go up in the elevator to my room and veg out for a bit.

The first two days of public programs and the first day of the retreat I went out to the Beverly Hot Springs and just hung out there and got rejuvenated after the difficult and stressful times of San Ramon. In the best of times I find San Ramon to be difficult to cope with, let alone being on shuttle staff there.

I have been struggling a lot here around seva and tour staff because everyone wants me to be doing seva in their department but no one is willing to make me tour staff and then I realized that it is going to cost an additional $250 for all the meals on the public programs in each city as they are not covered for non-tour staff. The concept of seva is no longer selfless when they tell you to do lots of it on this tour and you might be considered for tour staff next year. All of a sudden this is no longer selfless service, this is service with the anticipation and expectation of a staff position the next year on tour (which may or may not happen for many reasons - they may not have any positions again, I may not have the availability to go on tour again next year).

Amala was great! She said to me that I am a full paying retreatant and I should do what I need to do for myself. If that means hanging out in the hotel room and watching TV and coming down to receive Darshan each day and going back up and eating ice cream in front of the TV, then that is exactly what I should do."

As a result, I have not really done much seva at all in LA. I just did my two hours of assigned retreatant seva and part of a jewellery shift, but then was told that I wasn't needed as it wasn't that busy. I guess I just needed to give myself permission to take care of myself and not to worry about what other people will or won't say or who I might be letting down or not by NOT busting my ass doing what they are calling "seva".

Selena (my cousin) lent me her car for the first three days that I was in LA so I had the ability to easily get around and do some stuff like the Beverly Hot Springs. I am so greatful to her for lending me her car. Monica (Selena's youger sister) was in town as well from Harvard Medical school and the three of us went for dinner on the second night of the retreat. I skipped the prasad dinner served by Amma to go with them as I figured I would get prasad dinner in every other retreat city since I don't know anyone in those cities.

In LA, I gave Amma a bag of cashews in Darshan one night and She gave me an apple again as part of my prasad. She gave me some very nice and long Darshans. On Devi Bhava night in LA, I gave Her a second bag of cashews and againShe gave me an apple and pinched my cheek. I find that to be such a huge blessing from Amma to have my cheek pinched. I always want to reciprocate but am afraid that they will kick me out of the hall for doing so. I know that people in India do it all the time. I saw it with my own eyes. She is just so...cute and adorable that I want to pinch those cheeks.

I took my Amma doll up with one of the sweaters that I made for it and told Amma that I made it and that I was going to make them for sale through the bookstore. Amma smiled and was happy to hear this.

Janaka and his Rabbi friend Karen came on Devi Bhava night to receive their first Darshan. They received token X3 so they were there till the very end and even saw Amma get into Her camper and leave for Albuquerque. They bought malas and had Mother bless them and place these items on them respectively. It was very nice to see their first Darshan.

Now I am in Albuquerque and it's only the first public program day which has been an 11am - 9pm program. Unfortunately, I am not in the same hotel as the program but I am in one that is just about 500 feet away.

I am looking forward to tomorrow as I have been going through some pretty rough emotional times since Devi Bhava in LA and I am feeling very emotionally raw at the moment. I am hoping that as I continue to spend time in the programs and around Amma, that these emotions will work themselves out and I will be able to retain a better sense of being.